Trapped Under Ice

Why have I even created this blog?
I'm about to leave in a month to serve a mission for my church for two years, what am I doing?
Is it because I have always loved writing, but only when it's what I want to talk about?
Is it because I prefer typing over writing in my journal because my handwriting is awful and I'm just lazy like that?
or is it because of her?... I've never felt this way about anyone before, yet it seems like just because she made a blog that I have to, I mean I get to read what's on her mind, but she doesn't get that chance. Am I even going to tell her about it? I don't know, what I do know is that for once I'm not just going through the motions. I was stupid and immature when I went with number one, and two and three weren't my religion, so I didn't trust them as much. I may have said I loved them, and said romantic things to them, but I had to really think about what I wanted to say, and I just thought it was cute, but with her ... things just pop in my head, all of a sudden she's laughing at everything I say and I laugh at it myself, why? Because I've never thought of it until the moment I say it to her. I've always told myself for five years that I wished I could go on a date with her just once, and throughout those five years I've always gone to her when I really needed comfort, like when Miles wasn't there or something. It turns out she felt the same way, but we kept it hidden from each other until a few weeks ago. but in a few weeks my feelings have grown so immense, that I can't stop thinking about her.
If she is upset, I feel helpless because I'm not there to console her and hug her.
If she is happy, I feel excited and full of life because the girl of my dreams is smiling, and that's enough for me.
But what about the other relationships, Jotty? You've put everything into them, and they betrayed you, why should this be any different? What? Look up to what you just wrote? ... Just going through the motions, is that the part? Yeah, all your life you and Miles were the same, just wanted somebody to love them, so what, were you desperate? Really? Just going through the motions, what does that even mean for you? Express concern when they're upset, joy when they're happy, stuff like that? Ok, but aren't you doing that now with her? You automatically feel that way about her? That must be it, that must be why you're going out with her just a couple months before you leave, you're in love, just utterly and completely in love.
Yes, that must be it, it's hard to believe, but I've always felt this way about her, even when I wasn't going out with her, I've loved her as a friend, and as a little sister-figure, but now I truly love her, more than anything in the world.
And yet I can't say a thing.
Not because it's a bad thing to love her, but because I can't find the words. Yeah I may have said things before, but they don't come anywhere near how I truly feel. She actually cares for me and supports me. She is beautiful beyond measure. She's really smart. She loves kids. She's clever and hilarious. She's everything I've ever wanted.
Karalea Chapman.
So here I am, Trapped Under Ice; it's such a thin layer, but it still holds back what I want to say.
Man, Jotty, you can say a lot when you're typing, and you hardly mess up, too, is that why you're doing this blog? so that you don't have to write down in your journal as much?
No, it's her, I've fallen for her ... completely. I love her with all my heart.
Maybe one day I'll tell her about this blog. Then again this may just be my online journal. I hope not. I hope for once that this relationship will go somewhere, somewhere beyond "boyfriend and girlfriend," I hope that she waits for me like she alludes to in her own blog, because now I can't imagine life without her.
No, this won't be the only topic in this blog, but I feel so strongly about her that it had to be my first post.
I love her.